One Really Messed Up AU
by Qu0thTheRavenNeverm0re
Summary: What if Harry had a sister and grew up happily with his family? What if Aria the Mary Sue was gathering a band of equally dangerous companions to alter the HP universe forever? What if the story is stupid as this summary! Sequel to To Kill a Mary Sue.
1. Prologue

**Drumroll please! Alright, here is the much- anticipated (or maybe not-so-much) sequel to To Kill a Mary Sue! I suggest you read it if you haven't, but the story would probably make sense if you haven't. Thanks to Real Men Play Quidditch for the character of Serendipity/ Serena. Sorry, I'm not accepting any more submitted characters. And apologies to you if you speak German and the cheap online translation is incorrect. Even though I know at least one of them is because I recently read a book set in Germany, and they cursed a lot.**

Serendipity Des'tiny Unicorn Maysparkle was in a hurry. Why else would she be walking with giant strides, eyes fixed on the floor, instead of gliding gently down the hall like she usually did, just to make sure everyone would look at her? Not that it mattered, for Hogwarts was dark and empty. The students were all tucked away in their beds, dreaming of sugarplums and whatnot. Technically, Serendipity was supposed to be sleeping, but that wasn't a problem- if a teacher happened to peer around the corner, she'd flash her perfect pearly white teeth, bat her long, black, perfect eyelashes, and avoid punishment once again. Or she could jubilantly hold up her gleaming Head Girl badge the staff had awarded her despite only being a sixth year. Either way, rules were the last thing on _her _mind.

Swerving suddenly to pass under a set of doors into a starlit courtyard, Serendipity stood with poise and dignity on the bleached white stones. The spindly vines that grew up onto the trellis, fountain and carved stone benches made the crumbling old rock seem like a secret garden. Under the silent observation of the stars, it really was a beautiful old place. Serena, however, paid little attention to her surroundings. She knew they would never be as good-looking as her- nothing was. She had gotten to a point where she almost sucked the beauty out of anyone and anything daring to stand in her presence. It tired her so, for everyone was so busy fighting over her that no one really understood her. Well, not at the moment. Soon, some poor canon character would come along- probably Draco, maybe Harry or even one of the Weasley twins- and lose their minds over her. She would confine her deepest fears in them, and they would promise never to let go, or something equally ridiculous. And they would all live happily ever after. Or Serena would die a tragic death in order to save Hermione or someone who hated her. You know, however it may happen.

Suddenly, a very faint beeping noise seemed to come out of nowhere. Zoom the camera a bit… yes, now pan down… no, no, no, _down_…yes, now move the mic a little closer… alright… perfect! The beeping noise seemed to be coming from none other than Serena's mind. This seemed to be a normal event, for Serena merely tapped the right side of her head, stopping the noise. Instantly, a blurry hologram of a girl with starchy blond hair and moderate acne appeared before her in the courtyard.

It was her Sue-powers, of course! What, you didn't know that Mary Sues could communicate with their minds? I'm sure you've at least _heard_ of it- it comes up in most stories that feature a Sue. The problem is that most balanced, interesting characters _don't _have these powers, so the Sues don't get to exercise them as much as they'd like to. And believe me, if they got their way, that would be a _lot_.

"Serena! Serena! God, what took you so long?" The connection wavered as the hologram's voice went from fuzzy to legible and back again.

"Oh, I'm so sorry darling! You know, that artificial intellectual transmitter communicator device that Harietta made for you might just not be working out. Harietta's Sue Talents just haven't had time to develop yet. But no matter, no matter. What is it you need to speak with me about?" Her melodic voice remained sweet and kind despite the hologram's bitching. She _was_ a Sue, after all.

The hologram rolled her eyes. She was aggravated, a bit at Serena's annoyingness, but mainly it was because the other girl's cheery disposition made _her _look bad, when in reality she was just acting like all other humans did on bad days.

"Have you gotten any new recruits? I don't expect they would be hard to find, what with all those old girlfriends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black seem to be recalling from 'better days'."

"Oh, yes, indeed we have!" Serena replied peachily. "I came across her the other day, while strolling amongst the graveyard. Poor thing, lost as a blind wombat. I think you'll be very pleased with her actually, for I believe you've been acquainted before."

The hologram opened her mouth to say something, but before she could speak, she jumped and spun around to face the other direction. Her eyes shone wildly, frantically searching for something out of range of the hologram's projection. Serena held her breath and both were silent for a few moments until the hologram turned around, emitting a relieved and exasperated sigh.

"Is anything wrong, commander?" Serena asked, concerned. The hologram shook her head.

"The Forbidden Forest isn't exactly an ideal place for a campout. Of course, normally, I would have built a treetop village, discovered a new race of elves, and even stolen the heart of a centaur or two, but…" She clenched her jaw, still in denial about losing her Sue-Powers. "But, you know, the air is too damp this time of year."

Serena nodded sympathetically. "If you'd like, I could come down and maybe help you with some architectural tips..."

"NO!" the holgram replied loudly before regaining her scarcely controlled temper. "I mean… I believe I'm doing fine where I am, thank you."

The breathtakingly beautiful one of the two smiled mildly before lowering her voice to a whisper. "Have you gotten any leads on… you know… the Gr-"

"Don't say it," breathed the other, her eyes wide. "Just don't. We all know what you are referring to. There's no need to say it."

"Alright, then. But have you?" Serendipity refrained from pointing out that the reader did not know what they were talking about and that this only made things more suspenseful and confusing.

"Yes; that's what I was going to tell you about. Aragog's brother gave me some information that sounded really useful. Unfortunately, he had to give it to me in German for fear of being overheard, and it seems he forgot that this weather is not right for my German-speaking."

"Maybe I can translate it for you. After all, my parents spent a year in Germany, so I'm not so bad in the language myself." Serena also spoke French, Spanish, Japanese, Dutch, Mermish, Jive, and Pig Latin. The girl in the hologram had been able to speak all that plus Portugese and Hippogriff before the incident, but it was no use rubbing it in her face at the moment.

"Okay. What he said was this… _Sie sind ein Arschloch_. Can you get anything out of it?"

Serena merely shook her head in pity. What the words really meant was _you are an asshole_. Obviously Aragog's brother knew she had lost her Sue powers and felt the need to make her even further upset. Hadn't she been through enough? "It's nothing important," she replied halfheartedly.

Disappointment dripped from the hologram's face before she had a chance to hide it. Then, her brow creased in frustration. "Stupid spider. I've learned my lesson not to trust creatures anymore. I'll go about locating the you-know-what. You continue finding more assistance and doing what you can. But whatever you do…" Here, she slid a manuscript of a story out of her robe pocket. "To Kill a Mary Sue" it read in formal black letters. Then, Aria Anastasia Haley Monica Snape tugged at the edge of the paper long and hard, until it tore in half with a menacing _rip_ sound. "Do not, I repeat _do not_, let your guard down."


	2. Chapter 1

**So, after re- reading To Kill a Mary Sue just for fun this morning, I realized how much I wanted to continue the sequel. So I did. Oh, and I suppose I should summarize the first story for those who don't feel like reading it. Basically, Aria Snape was this Mary Sue that me, XxBellatrixLestrange917xX (or just Trixie) went into the books to get rid of. Draco was in love with Aria, and she made him extremely out of character, along with some other characters. Trixie went around bitchslapping people into character, but Aria turned her to the dark side by manipulating her weakness, Sirius Black/ OC fics. Eventually, Trixie's sanity was regained by reading good fanfiction, and they destroyed Aria by singing the Waffle Song (which brought out her flaws and thus drained her of all Sue-power). So yeah.**

"BLAM! BLAM! DIE ZOMBIES DIE!"

Trixie jerked awake, jumping a little. She raised her head from the puddle of saliva it had been lying in moments before and blearily rubbed her eyes. The clock blared "12:45" in angry red numbers- it was indeed late. It seemed that the sound of her brother massacring zombies on the X-box had pulled her from her light slumber. _I should probably head off to bed_, she thought sleepily to herself. _Well…ten more minutes_. After all, there was fanfiction just hopping to be read.

She refreshed the page. A number of stories that hadn't been there previously had popped up. Eagerly, Trixie scrolled down and though the pages, eyes craning hopefully for some Founders fics, or maybe some Bellamort angst. Unfortunately, it looked as bland as it usually did- a sea of Dramione and time travel peppered with hints of NextGen. Dramione could have been a rather nice ship had the fangirls not gotten hold of it, she thought absentmindedly. Yep, it was pretty slim pickings for today. She was about to click the pretty red 'x' in the corner of the screen when she caught sight of something that made her pause.

It was a simple story; like any other, yet not really. "A Change in Destiny" read those same blue letters that shaped the titles for every story on the site, good or bad, expert or novice, angst or fluff, decent or… lemon (shudder). The summary was really exactly what she expected from the title- horrible. _"What would happen if Voldemort had not killed Harry's parents on that fateful Halloween? What would happen if he also had a twin sister to accompany him on his Hogwarts adventures? How would Harietta's life affect those around them? I suck at summaries, but this is my first FF so be nice! ALSO- SUBMIT YOUR OWN CHARACTER (see more inside)-_

_Oh, well, if you say you suck at summaries, that totally makes it okay,_ Trixie thought sarcastically. Before fear could get the best of her, she clicked on the story. Immediately before her was a character form.

_Okay, so, submit your own character for Hogwarts! She (no guys) MUST…_

_Be extremely beautiful, talented, and flawless. Make sure you describe her with the gushiest metaphors possible! She should be kind, caring, and sweet to everyone, even if they hate her._

_Have a long, beautiful name that makes no sense. If you have random apostrophes in it, I will take you into higher consideration!_

_Be some magical species, like a vampire, werewolf, vela, etc, but don't give her all those icky side effects they're supposed to have! Or give her a dark, sad past. Or make sure one of her parents is a major character from the books that would never have children if it were up to JKR! Adds to the drama, you know. If she is perhaps ALL THREE, I will make her a MAIN!_

_Be some variation of yourself, but more beautiful and perfect. Give her your name or pen name, make her a transfer student from your hometown, make her look like you only prettier, etc. Stephanie Meyer did it; why can't you?_

_Cause everyone to act different around her. All the guys must like her, even Draco (ESPECIALLY Draco). If they don't like her, I will kill them off._

_Your character MUST follow these guidelines. If they don't, I CANNOT work with them and will proceed to alter them until they do. Good day to you all, luv you! XOXO_

So it was Mary Sues they wanted. That much was clear. Undoubtedly, some innocent young author would stumble along this, grin, and submit their "perfect" character, marveling over how easy this was. It didn't scare Trixie nearly as much as it should have; she had dealed with this before. This kind of corruption was actually quite common in the Hunger Games section. No, that wasn't what scared her. What sent chills creeping up her spine was something completely different. Something that called her back into the line of duty she had not really but liked to pretend that she had pledged to months ago. Something that proved she needed to take care of things once and for all.

Trixie stood up and fastened her jaw into a tight line. Squaring her shoulders, she pulled on the knit unicorn hat she had received for her 14th birthday and gazed into the distance (a neat little trick she had learned from her friend Harry Potter). Hooking a Slim Jim in her special holster attached to her hip, she prepared herself for a fight. For what she had seen that was so horrifying, what caused her to react so was the pen name perched matter-of-factly next to that title:

_WaflH8er101_

…

"Harry? Harry! Where are you?"

Turning the Hogwarts corridor, Trixie nearly collided with the Boy Who Lived himself.

"Trixie?" He blinked a couple times. "Since when have you been here?"

"Harry, listen, there's no time to explain. I have some terrible news, but we have to be quick, or else it might-"

"Harry, what's going on?" Trixie was interrupted by another person rounding the corner. She turned to see a beautiful girl with a trim figure and long, flowing black hair shyly peering at both of them. She had sparkling emerald eyes, like the fresh green leaves of a newly blossomed plant, a heart- shaped face, and berry-colored lips hinting a friendly grin. From looking at her, Trixie could tell she was kind, smart, talented, and probably too demure for anyone to notice these traits. Yep, her Sue instincts were correct.

"Oh, this is my sister, Harietta," Harry remarked cheerfully. Trixie's spirits fell. It was too late.

"Whe- where's Ron and Hermione?" Trixie almost pleaded, hoping they were okay.

"Who?" Harietta replied. "Are you talking about Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley?"

"Uh- yeah, those are the ones,"

"Well, Ron doesn't even go here," Harry explained. "He was shipped off to Saint Mungo's with Ginny after they both cheated on their partners and started firing random hexes at people shortly before being hit by a rabid Nyancat that had driven off course."

"And Hermione?"

"Well, she's…" Harietta fidgeted, obviously uncomfortable with the subject. "She's not really… in our league of acquaintance."

"What she means is…" Harry continued, also a bit stiff. "She isn't, well…"

Just then, a commotion rang up the other end of the corridor. A large crowd of people seemed to be coming in their direction. The three of them scurried out of the way as the procession came closer.

"…and Mother vowed that if I ever married a Muggle, she'd drive me out of the house on a rail with a silver stake though my heart!" rang a cold voice Trixie was able to recognize at once.

"Well, dear," crooned a second, feminine voice, equally as cold. "Good thing you have me, Draco darling."

Trixie stood on her toes in an attempt to identify the second voice. Pansy Parkinson? No… The cluster of admiring Slytherin nobility was making it hard to see. Finally, she pushed through some of the outer layer and saw what she had been looking for.

It was a girl, Draco's year, standing tall with a proud neck and shoulders. Her eyes were an unnatural gold color and gazed upon her surroundings with a disdainful sneer. Her hair was long and silvery-blonde without the slightest trace of bushiness- this reminded Trixie a bit of a Veela, of which no doubt this new girl was probably descended from. She still had a few Hermione-ish traits, suggested in the shape of her face and the curve of her eyebrows, but it was the cold, hateful look that made this look like someone different altogether.

"Come, my Slytherin Queen," Draco told her, kissing her passionately as the parade moved past them. Trixie was left staring after it, face flat of any expression.

_Oh, shit._

Let the AU begin.

**Yes, this is how much I hate AU. I'm considering writing a Marauders fic despite the fact that they are all so clichéd. The more I think about it, the more I don't think it would work with my angst-y writing style, but it could possibly expand my skills. Go to my profile; take the poll, if you please. Reviews are much appreciated. **


	3. Chapter 2

**I'm not very motivated to update this without any reviews. It sounds arrogant, but it's the truth. I only wanted to write this chapter because it's hilarious.**

**AND for a limited time only, go to my profile to see a long list of all the Mary Sues I've created in my lifetime. It includes their names, years of creation, appearance, why they were a sue, and their cause of death. It's facepalmingly hilarious, I tell you- you don't want to miss out.**

Trixie sat glumly on some stone steps outside the school. The toe of her shoe was making halfhearted circles in the dust. She was feeling pretty lame, and it was no wonder. It was AU! What was a person to do?

She reached up and tore down a blue flyer from the door behind her. It said pretty much the same thing the summary for the story that had disturbed her so much earlier: _Anyone with extraordinary talent, beauty, a dark past, a long name, or all of the above report to Serendiptiy Des'tiny Unicorn Maysparkle! _Even the paper the message was printed on sparkled with uniqueness and generosity. Aria would only be getting stronger, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. Tear down the flyers? Serendipity would surely make new ones. Bitchslapping? Forget it. These characters weren't OOC- they were entirely new people altogether.

She put her face in her hands. "What noooowwww?" she groaned. "I wish I had some root beer, to forget my troubles." It was no use; she knew they didn't have any at Hogwarts. She stood up, and felt her foot kick something.

She looked down to see a fizzy brown liquid spilling over her purple Vans. _Root beer?_ There was the can lying on its side, the object she must've kicked over. But how did that get here? She had only wished for one.

Trixie thought for a moment. "I wish I had... an Adventuretime hat." Instantly, she felt something appear on her head. Yep. A white furry hat with two animal ears sticking out of the top. _Awesome!_ She pondered this. Last time she was at Hogwarts, this hadn't happened. But that's because... it wasn't AU. She shrugged. It wasn't _that_ strange; anything can happen in AU, really, whether it makes sense or not.

Her state of despair was over. She smiled in that way that characters do when they get an idea and want to make the reader curious, threw the blue flyer to the ground, and ran off to find this Serendipity character. The piece of paper spiraled to the ground and landed in the puddle of spilled root beer, where it soaked up the substance until it turned a soggy grey.

...

"Okay, girls, here's our new Mary Sue. Why don't you intoduce yourself, Kali?"

"Sure," the Sue giggled, then flounced. "My name is Kaliedoscope Amythest Ballerina Waterfall Beautitia. I'm sure we'll all be great friends."

At first glance, you wouldn't recognize her. Her hair was chocolate brown and silky smooth, flowing down her back like Willy Wonka's candy waterfall. Her eyes sparkled rich and dark yet with an air of hidden sadness. Her face was more angular and sculpted, and her cheekbones were less sallow. Her jawline had elongated so that it was less round. And her eyeliner had been applied perfectly.

But if you looked verrrry closely at the nervous way she wrung her hands (cleverly disguised as having clasped them together in delight) and how she seemed to look in many directions instead of making eye contact with anyone, you could recognize someone familiar under all that... glitter. Yes, this was the same girl who, only hours before, had slumped on the stairs in confusion. It was... Lavender Brown, who happened to have been slumped on another set of stairs at the same time as Trixie. Just kidding, it was Trixie.

"Now, we hope we can offer you our best hospitalities. Girls, be nice!" Serena sang. If Aria had been the embodiment of a Sue, then Serendipity couldn't have been far behind. Her long, silvery blonde curls were streaked with gold, pink, and purple streaks that matched her gold, pink, and silver-flecked purple eyes. He skin was sun-kissed and flawlessly smooth. She had the most glossy, plump red lips that every boy probably wanted to kiss delicately as to preserve her beauty. As if this wasn't enough, her wardrobe choice only flattered her more, if that was possible. Her pink low-cut camisole and white lace miniskirt flaunted her slender curves, and her gold stilettos only made her look taller. Her teal eyeshadow and spicy Abercrombie perfume added the perfect flourish to the almost godly young beauty. It was disgusting.

"Hi, Kaliedoscope!" said Harietta, whom Trixie already knew. "Your name is beautiful!"

Trixie relaxed. She had worried that the name was a bit too much, but apparently, it was just the kind of fluff they wanted.

"Thanks. I mean, oh, I think it's ugly," she replied, remembering how Mary Sues are overly modest.

The next Sue was all too familar. She had multicolored hair that looked as if it was supposed to be black, with classic Sue blue eyes. She was wearing a black ripped miniskirt with MCR written on it, a black shirt decorated with "corset stuff" and lace, black ripped fishnets, combat boots, and so many skull earrings her ears looked like they were going to fall off from the weight. It looked like Hot Topic had thrown up. The most noticable thing about her, though, was that she looked incredibly angry at the world.

"ur jsut a bnc of pozr prepz n i h8 u n da rest of da wrld!" she shouted as she held up her middle finger. Judging by her unruly disposition, minimal knowledge of the english language, and the fact that her outfit was described in unnecessary detail, Trixie guessed this was none other than the infamous Ebony/Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven/Tara Way. She shuddered. She was much scarier in real life.

"Nice to meet you too!" Trixie managed to choke out. She turned to the next Mary Sue only to find herself close to a heart attack. It was a girl, maybe her age, gazing sadly into the distance. She had lush dark hair that waved naturally, a heart shaped face, skin like smooth marble, and sad eyes brimming over with regret and pain. Her ruby lips turned up in a small smile when she saw the newcomer.

_What? I thought I was rid of you!_ Trixie thought. _I thought you were done, burnt to a crisp! How did you get here? What will everyone think of me now? _

"Hi, Kaleidoscope," said the girl. Her voice was sweet yet sorrowful as she grinned despite her obvious bereavement. "It's nice to meet you. I'm Destiny, by the way. Destiny Riddle."

The next think Trixie knew, she was being shaken awake by the other four girls.

"Are you alright?" Harietta asked innocently. "You seemed to have fainted."

"Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll be fine," she said. _Crap. _Passing out was certainly not poised,even if it _was_ pretty frightening to be haunted by your own Mary Sue. She had to think of something to cover up her blunder.

"It's because of my... condition," she told them apologetically. "I have... a weak heart. I get frightened easily."

"Oh, you poor, poor thing," Serena crooned. _Phew__._

"I live with it," Trixie remarked brightly. "It's not all that bad."

The other Sues were clearly impressed by both her tragic ailment and her positive attitude, two major Mary Sue qualities. It seemed this had helped her after all.

"Who's that over there, in the trees?"

Trixie had just noticed a person lurking off to the side, in the shadows. They were slouched off a ways from them, staring angrily at the ground, but he seemed unconcerned about staying hidden. He was easy to spot, yet the Sues seemed to pay no notice to him.

"Oh, that's Gary Stu," Harietta explained airily. "He doesn't talk much."

Trixie had always wanted to see a real Gary Stu up close, but they were rarer creatures than Mary Sues and much less well-known. In fact, the only one she could think of was Edward Cullen, but everyone knew that. She was pleased to have met one in person. Remembering her Sue-ness, Trixie gave a cheerful wave in his direction. Gary Stu simply grunted and slouched even more.

"So, what do you think?" Trixie said, turning to face them again. "May I join you? I hope I'll be able to, but I can always try again. That's what life's about, you know, never giving up!"

The other Sues looked expectantly at Serendipity, and the head Sue thought for a moment. She beckoned to them, and they joined heads in a small clump. Trixie rocked back and forth on her feet. Seclusion usually made her uncomfortable, and Gary's death glare was really creeping her out. Finally, they dispersed. Serena made a motion to speak.

"We'd love to have you in our club, Kaleidoscope," she began. "But we're still not sure whether you're good enough. You've got the looks and the personality, but we need smart, agile Sues in order to get things done. A good Sue has talent, and we want people who can help us."

"So, what you're saying is, you want to see what I'm good at?"

Serena laughed. "Oh, no. We want to make sure you're good at _everything_."

**So, that's me in Sue form. It's really quite easy: you look at your physical flaws and think how they could be improved. It's actually quite fun. The next chapter WILL be funny. Bellatrix out, bitches.**


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